In 2019 I finally got the counselling I needed, I had opened the box of my past and decided to tackle the demons that had controlled my mind for far too long. Although the road to recovery was far from complete, I felt able to move forward with life with the new tools in my bag to combat my triggers.
2020 was a challenging year for everyone and my business launch was still to go ahead despite the pandemic. Just three months after the launch I found out I was pregnant. Having experienced two miscarriages within the past 18 months I didn't hold out much hope for this one either. There really was no plan B.
Fast forward to March 2021, business was great and my beautiful boy was born healthy on 9th March, everyone was so excited and happy but why wasn't I?
I felt lonely, lost and terrified of the responsibilities that lay ahead. The reality of parenting hit me super hard and with every nappy change and bottle feed came a build up of resentment. I just wanted my old life back.
As I adjusted to being a parent I found that work was my lifeline, I loved my business and that I had made a success of it despite the pandemic and being pregnant but I hadn't realised that the old pattern of putting my emotional wellbeing in a box and closing it was happening again.
To my absolute shock I found out I was pregnant again in July 2021 just 3 months after giving birth and so the cycle began again.
In March 2022 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Poppy, she was premature but healthy. While most called me superwoman during my second pregnancy I felt worthless, lonely and ultimately I knew I needed help as I understood that I was sinking in to a deep depression. Hormones from two pregnancies in 2 years coupled with my previous mental health issues had my spiralling down a dark path again.
The past two years have taught me many valuable lessons, Firstly, that I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect in business, as a mum etc, My children are the most beautiful gift I could have ever imagined. Secondly that in order to be the best I can be I must prioritise myself or those around me don't get the best version of me. Lastly, that loneliness isn't just about having no one around you, it is a product of not speaking out, allowing your mental health to consume you.
Asking for help doesn't have to stop with your GP. This Girl Consultancy offer a number of services to support women just like me who have lived through a story and are here to share their experiences.