In 2010 I left my husband who i loved but I was not in love with. He had a drinking habit which slowly came between us. That said I always cared for him, gave him our home to live with my daughter, watched over his mental health and finances until the day he died.
In 2012 he called me to say he couldn’t live without me and tried to hang himself. I took him to the doctor for help and thereafter called him every morning to check on his welfare.
He got a new girlfriend which I thought would help company wise. My daughter and I communicated daily about his behaviour and I thought his mental health was improving.
In July 2013 he started saying “don’t worry I won’t be here much longer” I reminded him every day he had everything to live for Daughter, Sons, his elderly mum and dad and I would always forever be his friend.
Sadly in October 2013 I received a called at work. My son had found him hanging. He had driven my daughter to school that morning and returned home to take his own life.
Our world shattered.
The first 12 months was the hardest of my life. I had to now monitor my Daughter and Sons mental health as they weren’t coping.
On the anniversary of his passing it hit me. It was my fault. If I had stayed with him he would still be here. Then, my mental health became poor. I had a breakdown and thought perhaps I should be with him. I couldn’t think straight.
My new partner watched over me for the 4 weeks I spent in bed, not wanting to see anyone, speak to anyone or do anything.
Then I found myself thinking of how I could be with him again. I told a friend who begged me to speak to a lady, a specialist in counselling that would help with my state of mind.
I dragged myself down to her clinic in Cardiff and met her twice a week for 6 months. She brought me back to my senses and to understand it wasn’t my fault, I was a strong woman, I could get through this and needed to for my family too.
I do have the odd moment when I think “what if” but I can very quickly remind myself that I am a survivor of suicide and life is a gift to enjoy each and every given day.
The End … of a new beginning