"I hate children, I don't want children"..... Unfortunately these are the words said by myself on more than one occasion over the years.
Childhood trauma can revel in tricking your mind to believe in the untrue, to find justification in your mind that somehow you don't deserve children when you were yourself a victim.
These thoughts have haunted me since I became a parent. Do I deserve to be a mum knowing I had said these things?
I wrote this letter to my son recently and I have decided to share it. I do hope it resonates with parents and as always it comes with the frank and honest approach that I always stand by.
"My beautiful boy Ezra, my rainbow baby - I don't think it has sunk in yet that you are here and I don't know if I deserve you?.
I will tell you about my life one day and you will know why mummy is so protective of you. You see, what you don't yet realise is that your first breath terrified me, your cry filled me with fear and I wanted so desperately to be the perfect mum but I just didn't believe I could be.
Within a couple of weeks I started to feel something I have never experienced before - Unconditional love, this feeling that just by looking at you and feeling your warmth next to me I just knew that every awful experience in my life was forgotten because the rest of my life suddenly had meaning and purpose.
I see you looking at me with your beautiful big eyes & as we grow and learn together I know that you encompass everything that makes me a better person.
What I also want you to know is that mummy still struggles to understand herself sometimes and life is still a work in progress because she has a lot of pain in her heart still. You have made me rethink life and be grateful for it, you have taken every piece of this jumbled up jigsaw puzzle that is my head and heart and made it better.
So, as I sing to you with my awful voice every day, as we laugh and smile together whilst learning as a family, I want you to know that I am grateful that you came in to my life and showed me a new path.
Thank you for giving me the blessing of being able to love you, guide you and smiling at me without saying a word.
Little one - I love you".